About the Twiner Religion
Twiners are members of a new religion centered around the "World's Largest Twine Ball Rolled By One Man" located in Darwin, Minnesota. It was founded on June 18, 2012 by Jason Keiderling.
Teachings
The fundamental belief of the Twiner Religion is that the "World's Largest Twine Ball Rolled By One Man" was actually constructed under the invisible guiding hand of the aliens from planet X in the Godzilla movies. Yes, according to this religion they're real.
Denominations
The core belief of this religion is that the twine ball will somehow defeat Godzilla and allow the aliens from Planet X to come to Earth safely. Various interpretations of this core belief form the three separate Twiner denominations.
PHILOSOPHICAL TWINERS believe the twine ball is a metaphorical representation of peace, much as Godzilla was originally a metaphor for the devastation of war, mankind's aggressive nature, and nuclear fallout. These people believe the aliens are waiting until mankind has evolved beyond it's warlike nature at which time they will safely make contact with us.
FUNDAMENTALIST TWINERS believe the twine ball will literally hatch a giant monster which will defeat Godzilla, thus allowing the aliens to safely land on Earth.
PESSIMISTIC TWINERS believe the twine ball will hatch a giant monster which will promptly be eaten by Godzilla like every other monster before it making the entire religion an exercise in futility.
PHILOSOPHICAL TWINERS believe the twine ball is a metaphorical representation of peace, much as Godzilla was originally a metaphor for the devastation of war, mankind's aggressive nature, and nuclear fallout. These people believe the aliens are waiting until mankind has evolved beyond it's warlike nature at which time they will safely make contact with us.
FUNDAMENTALIST TWINERS believe the twine ball will literally hatch a giant monster which will defeat Godzilla, thus allowing the aliens to safely land on Earth.
PESSIMISTIC TWINERS believe the twine ball will hatch a giant monster which will promptly be eaten by Godzilla like every other monster before it making the entire religion an exercise in futility.
Prophets
The prophets of the Twiner Religion are different from most prophets in that none of them are actually members of the Twiner Religion. These prophets have, for the most part, been guided by the unseen influence of the planet X aliens. Many of them are unaware that this religion even exists.
THE PROPHET OF EDUCATION: Weird Al Yankovic
Weird Al Yankovic has played the largest role in spreading word of the twine ball through his song "The Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota". His song also outlines most of the rituals to be followed during the Holy Pilgrimage.
THE PROPHET OF IRONY: Jason Keiderling
The founder of the Twiner Religion (me) pictured above with Charlie Laine and Martina Warren (not twiners). I believe I started this religion as a joke, but I too was actually being guided by the unseen influence of the planet X aliens.
THE PROPHET OF HISTORY: Ishirō Honda
As the director of the original Godzilla movie, the planet X aliens had the greatest influence on this prophet. Most of the knowledge we had about Godzilla and planet X for almost half a century came from Ishirō Honda's work.
THE PROPHET OF FASHION: Lady Gaga
I included Lady Gaga on this list because I'm pretty sure she's from Planet X. I would cite evidence to support this theory, but I don't think that's necessary. I think she's probably their queen because just being a normal alien doesn't explain the amount of paparazzi that follows her around.
THE PROPHET OF EDUCATION: Weird Al Yankovic
Weird Al Yankovic has played the largest role in spreading word of the twine ball through his song "The Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota". His song also outlines most of the rituals to be followed during the Holy Pilgrimage.
THE PROPHET OF IRONY: Jason Keiderling
The founder of the Twiner Religion (me) pictured above with Charlie Laine and Martina Warren (not twiners). I believe I started this religion as a joke, but I too was actually being guided by the unseen influence of the planet X aliens.
THE PROPHET OF HISTORY: Ishirō Honda
As the director of the original Godzilla movie, the planet X aliens had the greatest influence on this prophet. Most of the knowledge we had about Godzilla and planet X for almost half a century came from Ishirō Honda's work.
THE PROPHET OF FASHION: Lady Gaga
I included Lady Gaga on this list because I'm pretty sure she's from Planet X. I would cite evidence to support this theory, but I don't think that's necessary. I think she's probably their queen because just being a normal alien doesn't explain the amount of paparazzi that follows her around.
Commandments
Twiners are required to obey the following 10 commandments:
#1 Freedom of religion. No Twiner shall attempt to impose their beliefs on others.
#2 Prohibits the transportation of pork across time zones.
#3 Twiners cannot interfere with the internal development of a pre-warp alien society.
#4 Prohibits polygamy, incest, and bestiality. Any of those things are allowed individually, but if you're going to marry two goats they can't be related.
#5 Thou shalt not sleep with thy neighbor's wife, unless you're a chick which case you must let him at least watch.
#6 If you are presented with substantial scientific evidence that any of your beliefs are incorrect, you will accept that you were wrong and move on.
#7 Repeals the 2nd Commandment.
#8 Thou shalt not have any other twine balls before this one, that includes the allegedly bigger twine ball in Cawker City, Kansas.
#9 Thou shalt not commit adultery without the express written consent of major league baseball.
#10 Any information contained in the wikipedia page about this religion, should it ever have one, shall be considered gospel unless it directly contradicts information found in this blog.
#1 Freedom of religion. No Twiner shall attempt to impose their beliefs on others.
#2 Prohibits the transportation of pork across time zones.
#3 Twiners cannot interfere with the internal development of a pre-warp alien society.
#4 Prohibits polygamy, incest, and bestiality. Any of those things are allowed individually, but if you're going to marry two goats they can't be related.
#5 Thou shalt not sleep with thy neighbor's wife, unless you're a chick which case you must let him at least watch.
#6 If you are presented with substantial scientific evidence that any of your beliefs are incorrect, you will accept that you were wrong and move on.
#7 Repeals the 2nd Commandment.
#8 Thou shalt not have any other twine balls before this one, that includes the allegedly bigger twine ball in Cawker City, Kansas.
#9 Thou shalt not commit adultery without the express written consent of major league baseball.
#10 Any information contained in the wikipedia page about this religion, should it ever have one, shall be considered gospel unless it directly contradicts information found in this blog.
Pilgrimage
The great pilgrimage, as described in the Weird Al song "The Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota" must be made every four years on February 29. In accordance with the teachings of The Prophet of Education, you need to bring offerings for the twine ball monster in case it hatches in order to complete the pilgrimage. Acceptable offerings include:
Potato Skins
Pickled Wieners
Crossword Puzzles
Spider-Man Comics
Homemade Rhubarb Pie
Diet Chocolate Soda
Potato Skins
Pickled Wieners
Crossword Puzzles
Spider-Man Comics
Homemade Rhubarb Pie
Diet Chocolate Soda
First Twiners
Who are the first twiners? Neither myself nor any of the other prophets are twiners. This means the first official twiners will be the first people to make the pilgrimage. If you want to see who the first twiners are you'll have to make the pilgrimage yourself. Remember, you haven't officially made the pilgrimage and become a twiner unless you visit the "World's Largest Twine Ball Rolled By One Man" in Darwin, Minnesota on February 29 and bring at least one offering from the list.
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